A mystical place of unknown origin or location where onans are free to auto-debauch to the content of their hearts, or whatever other parts of them most require it.
Pan-Body Hickey Art
Of all the forms of self-mutilation, typically ranging the gamut of tattoos, piercings, nostril-notching and elective dismemberment, nothing says “I love pain as much as love” as pan-body hickey art. This art form is as highly evolved as it is primally inspired, as it employs the impassioned lips of a partnerwhether willing, unwilling or professionally employed and reluctantwho grapples their supple humanolips about the exposed areas of the recipient canvas in order to put in place a range of beautiful, purple blotches.
Although the artwork is more ephemeral than even Henna tattoos, it is amongst the most common forms of New Terran display art, specifically employed to tremendous extent to represent what dark, purple blotches of sexu-passion would look like littered all about the body.
Tetherball
A sport originating back from the dumb ages in which two children would engage in a futile exercise of trying to determine which of them was taller and which was to be humiliated. Though the rules of the game did not survive the ages, it is understood that the game was played with a pole connecting a string to an inflated ball, severed head or rounded pumice.
Iconoclast
n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.”
Gag Reflex
The instinct in gastronomical animals that affords the luxury of retching-up one’s insides in order to expunge the dangerous, disgusting or otherwise detestable contents of the first digestive repository; the stomach. A ‘gag reflex’ may be activated by a variety of sensory observations including taste, smell, or to a lesser extent touch, sight, hearing, precognition or echo location. The reaction is designed to churn out the contents of one’s insides with rib-cracking fury in order to safeguard against digestive dangers even before something is ingested.
Idiot
n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
Rememboirator
A compact, electrical device capable of exceptional capture of sights, sounds, smells and tastes for any number of future purposes. Some have employed such devices for espionage, though mostly of the more profitable corporate variety, though mostly they are used to record one’s rememboirs for future publication.
It is estimated that one-in-five living humans has such a device, whether known or unknown to them, most of which have been installed by the Council for Historic Preservation of Potentially Memorable Citizens, the most successful biographical publishing company of the Milky Way. It is also estimate that as many as one-in-ten deceased persons likewise have one, all presumably without their knowledge, just in case they turn out to be a zombie, third-coming Christ or nabbed up by a more prominent and noteworthy band of grave robbers.
Indecision
n. The chief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”—a most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.
“Your prompt decision to attack,” said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in.”
“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate, “it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss us a copper.”
“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”
“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”
Omnicom
A device similar to an intercom, but much, much cooler and employing a technology that is far more advanced than any known to primitive man, probably. It is a low-fidelity, two-way, intermittent communicator used to poorly connect two very near places with an elaborate system of wires across a very short distance with modest reliability.
Egotist
n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol’s door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: “Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.”
Xerkinski
Xerkinski was once the fourth planet of the Star Registry™ system on the opposite side of the local group. A cordial misunderstanding of an incident some years back stemming from an alleged mix-up between shuttle blast protocol and the desires of a particularly zealous ship commander led to a situation of modest incidental damage. Much of the universe, for reasons unknown, chose to document and publish the incident as if it was newsworthy.
The planet Xerkinski had enjoyed one of the longest continuous civilizations in the Milky Way, but following an ambassadorial visit from Alpha Squad 7, a minor clerical error is hypothesized to have charred the planet beyond habitability and sent it hurtling into its sun. Although the matter was reported as true, the only surviving witnesses were the crew of the ship that caused the infamous oopsy-daisy, and that crew never corroborated the so-called “facts” of their having destroyed the entire planet.
Wars were subsequently waged and many hundreds of planets ultimately faced entire destruction, but no crew members of Alpha Squad 7 were ever proven to be responsible in kangaroo courts of quasi law. Critics suggest the legal proceedings were inherently flawed since all crewmembers were judged by a jury of their peers, who by definition, had all also been accused of destroying a planet by carelessly casting it into a sun.
Űber-Brothels
These are any of a variety of massage parlors, day spas or seamstress shops, except in that one does not typically linger an entire day or get any work on their cuffs, but rather, a portion of an evening and more along the inseam. This is a place where a patron may partake of a face-rub, rub-job, rub-down, smack-down, bitch slap, ball goblin, assorted-weight petting, and enjoy any of these services with discounts for specimens deposited, military ID or proof of senior citizenship (but only until around 4:00 pm, commonly called the “sunset special”.)
The imperative difference between a “brothel” and an “űber brothel” is the experience of the massage matrons, the blondeness of their hair, the mileage on the gynodometers and whether or not their credit card processing will permit it to display as a reimbursable business expense such as “fax and telephone services”, “conference facilities”, or “regular brothel”.
Techna-Mind
Not unlike a standard mind or “brain” as it was once called in the distant past (as well as many, many parts of my own memoirs,) but with the noted difference that it is addled with myriad chips of silicone, complex carbons, nano-transistors and small pouches of mind-stimulating synthetihormones. Noted primarily for its superiority of a traditional brain by its ability to process thoughts at fifty to eighty times that of a innate brain, its common refusal to accept emotions despite its ability to emulate them for manipulative purposes, and its steadfast refusal to participate in the mundane exercise of trivia games.
Damn
v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning “joy.” It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
Nut Sack
Similar to a pericardium, except instead of holding your heart, this is the part of the body used to contain your fearless machismo. Sometimes shorn, other times tattooed, but most often understood, overlooked and passed by. Even in this distant future era of modern contemporaria, most are afraid to assert their manliness, and that can lead to an air of ignoring the area around the very thing that defines men; the nut sack.
Lights
Those things that are not “the darknesses” which illuminate the non-lightness of places that are not so naturally bright. Lights can be instrumental in keeping away any number of literal and figurative boogey-folk who may have nefarious intent against any dark-dwelling persons, most specifically children, more specifically still; those children who do not brush their teeth or eat their vegetables.
Degenerate
adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one’s ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at “men who live in these degenerate days,” which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.
Replicoutfit
A clever bit of pseudo-outfittery designed to kinda-clad the totally naked with a colored sheen often mistaken for an actual outfit, though most often at a fair distance. Although the wearer of a replicoutfit may appear to be wearing any number of complicated clothings, he or she is still in fact completely naked. The outfit may be pre-designed from a number of default settings, if not selected for download from any of the many online pseudo-clothing providers, to simply be enclicked upon by the owner of the enclickerator. The only problems with the replicoutfit is that the power regularly fails, leaving the naked no-clothing-wearer entirely exposed, and that regardless of reliability or failure, the wearer often experiences rape. Despite the low cost, many prison systems have moved away from this as a method of dressing inmates for exactly this reason, finding inter-inmate rape dropping thereafter by as much as one or two percent.
Editor
n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion’s camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
J.H. Bumbleshook