Most Recent SatireDictionary.com Definitions:
Insemination
(v) The orgasmic act of a drunkard or clinical act of a fertility doctor, either way it’s worth $300 to somebody. SEE ALSO: PREGNANCY
Bail
(v) To “jump out of”, specifically jail.
Caller ID
(n) An electronic system used to shuffle spouses, exes and collection agents off to voicemail. SEE ALSO: VOICEMAIL
DEA
(acr) Acronym for “Drug Enforcement Assholes.” Branch of government established to curtail nonpayment of income taxes, reduce frequency of coke-and-hooker parties and pretty much hang out in Columbia (on taxpayers money, of course.)
Embalm
(v) The process of chemically preserving that which has already expired.
Fatty
(adj) Girl worth riding discreetly, much like a bus or moped. Fun, anonymous and without commitment or embarrassment… assuming you’re never found out.
Grab
(n) The other four letter word for “snatch”.
Accountant
(n) A knight of fiscal crusade keenly aware that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword and that the eraser is mightiest of all. 2. An ostensibly conscientious objector and plausible denier in the war on corporate fraud.
Heavy Metal
(n) A musical genre or element known for destroying those it comes in contact with from the inside out.
Legalization
(v) The reluctant admission on the part of uptight legislators that the thing which would’ve landed you in prison yesterday would better serve the common good by taxing the hell out of it today.
Mechanic
(n) A greasy liar and/or thief who profits tremendously at the public’s general aversion to being either of those two things.
Necktie
(n) Choker worn by workaday racing rats to remind them they are held by the throat. 2. Gift given on Father’s Day by kids and wives in appreciation of the man’s toil, oblivious of the misery it entails.
Indecision
(v) The inability to differentiate the subtle gradation of two nearly equal evils.
Volunteer
(n) One whose heart is as full as his pockets are empty.
Last Call
(n) The time of night when bar patrons hurriedly scamper to lower their standards in order to facilitate a one-night stand before the lights are turned on and the illusion of doability is destroyed.
NASCAR
(n) An absurd pseudo-sport in which drivers circle around a course, interrupted only by death, whilst swilling beer and beating wives and wife wannabees.
Accomplishment
(n) The success enjoyed by a manager for his laborers’ work until such time as it fails to meet arbitrary targets.
Manslaughter
(n) The lowest form of murder differentiated by a lack of intention or potential benefit. Despite its serious nature, it’s treated almost comically lightly, as indicated by its compound name “man’s laughter”.
Heart
(n) The organ women use to gauge the worth of a partner, comparable to the penis in men.
Fascinating
(v) Stock response perpetually offered to an uninteresting person whom one wishes to sleep with, i.e., “Oh, that’s fascinating!”
Gender
(n) A box one checkmarks on a form to indicate whether they possess a vagina, or just pursue one; also, it’s the box marked right before one is asked if they’re white, or of some lesser persuasion.
Editorial
(n) A stream of consciousness tirade published so all the world may read it, though almost no one will SYN: OP/ED, OPINION SEE ALSO: EDITOR
Day Trip
(n) A vacation of less than 12-hours 2. Hit of LSD that wears off prematurely, but without regret. SEE ALSO: DRUGS
Call
(v) The act of picking up a telephone and dialing a number only to reach that individual’s voicemail and leave a message they’ll later claim they never got. SEE ALSO: VOICEMAIL
Backup Singer
(n) Of the persons making a living in the recording studio, these are by far the most impoverished, talented and slept with of all. 2. Person who thinks that decades behind a microphone somehow entitles them to wealth, fame, or a contract rider.
Bait
(n) Food or shiny object used to lure in that unfragrant of animal desires which one most wishes to eat, such as fish or unsavory women.
Camcorder
(n) Device openly used to capture sex acts with a consenting girlfriend 2. Device disguised, often cleverly, to capture sex acts with a more demure lover.
Dating
(v) Endeavor by which men hit on a variety of disinterested women who mostly rebuke them upon first impression while the minority first take a costly dinner with drinks and dessert before summarily dismissing the loser. The rejections are due in large part to the understanding that men are oriented on a short term goal of sex, subsequent dates, and subsequent dates with sex despite the fact that his long term goal is serious dating, engagement and, ideally marriage by which he will gladly trade his balls and his spine for a singular piece of ass that periodically will refrain from rejecting him.
Female Friend
(n) A woman with whom one has not had sex with yet.
Green Grocer
(n) A produce vendor overwhelmed with supermarket envy.