Definitions of ‘F’ Words

(adj) Girl worth riding discreetly, much like a bus or moped. Fun, anonymous and without commitment or embarrassment… assuming you’re never found out.

(v) Stock response perpetually offered to an uninteresting person whom one wishes to sleep with, i.e., “Oh, that’s fascinating!”

(n) A woman with whom one has not had sex with yet.

n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are “movable” and “immovable,” but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks, under the name Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Among the many feasts of the Romans was the Novemdiale, which was held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.

1. (n) A very forthcoming and blunt hot dog.

n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.

(v) Greek word meaning “to earn a husband” or “to deny a husband”. SEE ALSO: CUNNILINGUS, LEWINSKI

(n) A violin that’s fallen victim to horrific abuse at the hands of a Southerner, no matter how seemingly melodic.

(n) One’s devout Christian girlfriend who’s been tricked into months of unprotected sex. 2. A cow the subject of having been aggressively milked through the fence. 3. An especially cunning girlfriend.

1. (n) Pretty, scented, organic lifeforms existing in wild and domesticated breeds. Ideal for plucking and mauling. 2. (v) Daddy-centric apology to mama, good as a solution for almost any disagreement or missed birthday/anniversary.

(n) A style of orgasm pleasing to everyone except the one sweating diligently to make it convincing. 2. A brand of Rolex worn by jackasses, sold by ignoramiphiles.

(v) Having one’s status inflated to match their ego.

(n) 1. A clause in ones insurance policy that makes smoking in bed profitable. 2. To lose ones job job due to a lack of competence or an excess of compensation for competence. In the latter case the terminated employee is usually replaced by his or her former assistant, usually with terrible results. 3. The act of liberating a bullet from the confines of its cartridge and chamber, usually in the direction of someone who has very little desire to increase their intake or lead or brass.

(n) Infuriating and unreliable device used to transmit important, illegible and ultimately incomplete documents.

(n) Trusted colleague who always has your back and often has a crack at your girlfriend.