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Definitions of ‘J’ Words

Jackhole

Holes belonging conspicuously and openly to the hindquarters of persons who are, or are largely believed to be, themselves a jackwad or member of a larger, collective group of jackwads. These are the holes from which the jackwads greatest iniquities spew forth, whether in the form of propaganda, dogma or other more literal sorts of projectile primate feces.

In practical terms no one actually speaks of literal jackholes any more than they place tongues upon them, which is more common than any decency-aspiring governing body would ever admit, but still very few. In practical terms a jackhole is a person who spouts so much absurdity from either end of his or her gastrointestinal tract that they can no longer be referred to as an individual, but rather as the prominent hole from which their malodorous emissions originate.

For example, you might refer to a politician as a “baseless jackhole who’s plainly taking money from extra-terrestrial interests in order to further mining on a utopian moon.” You can say this, and you can be dead right, even though in fact his or her filibuster is more likely to have come from the mouth than from the explicitly implied ass-port, which is often hard-pressed to make such needed days of uninterrupted noise, regardless of dietary considerations. Also, anuses are uncommonly capable to articulate the needed vowels and consonants to maintain such a filibuster. Though in all fairness, just such a rectal filibuster has occurred no fewer than ten million times across the history of the universe, though few representatives have lived to tell the tale, their organs instead rattled asunder by the countless hours of what ultimately proved to be lethal vibration.

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Jogging

(v) A physically exhaustive means of losing immeasurably small amounts of weight while ruining the knees and breasts. SEE ALSO: BREAST

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J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel— than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, jacere, “to throw,” because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog’s tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.

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Jewish

(n) Religious prerequisite to having a marketable sense of humor or an eye sufficiently keen to manually assess the value of a diamond.

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Juice

1. (n) Any potable fluid such as milk, water, or juice. 2. (n) An exhilarating wine made of un-fermented smooshed-up fruits.

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Jealous

adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

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Jerk

(n) A person possessing the success you desire without the qualities you admire 2. An ex-boyfriend. SEE ALSO: DOG

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Japanese

(sl) A car with good gas mileage and reliability 2. (n) The most profitable form of Asian porn which all Asians aspire to, though which is generally limited to the female citizens of Japan.

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Jealousy

(n) A cancer of the heart that rapidly spreads to the brain and may cause insomnia, high blood pressure and even ulcers. Left untreated it will cause a shift in personality so great as to render the victim of no value to his or her work or family. 2. Justifiable homicide, in many states.

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Jackass

(n) Self-proclaimed comedian with no conscience, boundaries, or natural filter that might weed out friendship-killing jabs.

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