Definitions of ‘R’ Words

n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.

n. A fool considered under another aspect.

n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable—omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, “soaring swine.”)

1. (n) Devise used by parents to veto cartoons in favor of boring documentaries or reality shows.

n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.

(pn) A country hated throughout the cold war due to the powerful advocacy of marmy American housewives in order to keep those hot, hot, smokin’ ass hot Russian women out of the United States.

(n) 1. Child support paid to the father of an invention whose mother ultimately was necessity. 2. Small stipend paid to a best-selling author whose publishers have subsequently earned so many millions as to no longer be able to hide their excess riches. 3. Fee paid to owners of music that sold very few records, but have enjoyed blockbuster success as commercial jingles or as a telephone ring tone.

(v) Process encountered by a bachelor’s apartment when his girlfriend moves in.

(n) Unattainable scam offered by corporations to make their prices appear artificially low.

(n) Wake held in celebration of the death of bachelorhood. Also a good place to meet biological clock ticking chicks who may believe anything you say in your quest to nail them 2. Something your cell phone never has.

(n) Place where road-weary travelers can rest, stretch their legs, drink free coffee and partake of anonymous homosexual sex.

(n) The office clerk responsible for receiving the majority of incoming calls, faxes and sexual advances.